Donde Caen Los Sueños

I bet you didn't see this post coming.

More than a year now, I published the last one, because I felt more than I could handle inside my head. Today is one of the many days before I've spend trying to not feel lost about what will happen after. After what? After school ends, of course. I feel like 16 again, with out a clue about what carreer to choose, scared of choosing the wrong thing (to do for the rest of my life), not sure if my choice was taken by me or by someone else (unconciously), or if I needed more time to understand what was happening.

I've already gone through 5 1/2 years of med school and currently am on the last track. Next year I will have to prove to myself and the physicians who will work with me that I have learned, understood, and used the information received at school wisely enough to manage patients. Scared-to-death.

"Don't forget to add, hun, you don't even know where you are standing right now."

True, kind of. Is it really so hard for someone to make up their minds? Why can't I just feel a fire in my heart when I think of an specialty for residency? Why can I only like but not love any of the specialties I've met in these years? Is something wrong with me? Did I mess everything up? The clock is ticking and I feel my throat tighter and tighter every minute that passes.

Oh, right. I'm not alone. My decision has to satisfy my needs for personal achievement, but also try to be something that won't take my right of motherhood away. There are many things people won't tell you before getting to med school.

Writing has worked before to let thoughts flow more easily inside my mind, as if I decluttered it everytime I pressed the keyboard. And when I sometimes re read my posts, I can see mistakes, flaws, I hadn't noticed before. I trust that this time it will work just as before. So, for myself reading this in God knows how many months later:

Open your eyes, hun, it's time to stop whining and start living. People will come and people will go. I know you feel like shit today, because you think you don't know, you think you are dumb, you think you can't do it, you think you where blindfolded through your childhood when people made you think you where the best you could be, and you could've done so much more, you think you are not good enough, that your happiness is attached to an anchor to heavy to lift, that your eyes weight like rocks in the mornings, that they wet like seas every other day trying to find your way into the wild; I know that you know that the only thing stopping you is yourself. There's no one to blame now, nothing preventing you to be the star of your life, nothing but your own fear. Maybe fear wasn't there when you were born, and maybe it wasn't your fault that you grew with it, but fear is everywhere. Fear goes away the minute you make up your mind and start living the way you want to. What if you guys don't last? Is happiness only that? Happiness is your own job.

Take a cold shower, sweetheart, and open your eyes. You know you have goals, even if they seem like nonsense to you. Those goals will remain on the paper you wrote them unless you work towards them.  Don't wait for a miracle to happen. Look for it. Don't die trying to find it, but at least try. And the world will cooperate, and God will too, and he will too, as he has been doing. So what if he is abroad? Your heart breaks? Pl-e-a-se.

Get this thing done and go back to work. Or that paper of yours will never get published.

And remember, it's your life, and no one else's. People and things can make it better, but they won't do it all the time. You can share your heart with your s.o. but don't let your mind wonder about things that aren't there. Trust has been proved. Let it be.

Until next time.

Sincerely yours,

L. 

PS.: Singing does help. Always remember. Thanks S.