Living in a world with no air
Well, not exactly that tragic but I think I make my point. Feeling strange after so many days kind of sticked together like superglue or smth can really weight a lot. I'm writing now because I know you won't remember to check this webpage, and that's because I haven't written in a long long time. Call it studies, lazyness, lack of inspiration, whatever, but I think that when I have a longing feeling like this one right now, writing is one thing I can return to do right. You've told me several times, that if what I needed was inspiration, why wouldn't I use our own lives to feel that thing inside that made me write. It's not that you don't wake emotions in me. Trust me in this: if I didn't smile with every smile of yours, if I didn't have to catch my breath everytime you make me laugh, if my spine didn't shiver when you sometimes kiss me in a wild but lovely way, well then I'd tell you we're just corpses.
But we're not, hun, and altough I miss you, I trust that these two weeks will go slowly for me (because fast would mean holidays are ending) but fast for us, and you'll be right here beside me in no time now. Besides, a time apart can really help you grow your roots, which in our case would mean locking us more than before in our voluntary vow of love.
I don't remember how many times you've asked me "the question", but I do know that I've always said yes. Sometimes, don't get me wrong, I think about it, if it would be the right decision, and I linger for you. Because inside me, I know it's us, It's always been and always will be us. Against the world, against evil, against people If we need to. The thing is to keep loving each other even though we feel like killing, because as you brightly said many times, sometimes is better to discuss or give an answer when you're not confused by the anger or annoyance. So, in that way, you can be sure and probably won't do more harms than necessary.
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Hey, hey now. It's been a bit more than a month since I wrote that first part. Of couse, you returned safely (thank God) from your trip, and you brought some weight with you, in you body and in my presents! I loved them, everyone, although the chocolate flies weren't my favourites, I love them because they remind me of you. And they remind me of how joyful I'm with you.
I know you just went home, from here, and that I wasn't at my best. Neither physically nor emotionally. I have to tell, you, sometimes I'm scared that those "i don't know what's happening to me" mean more than I think. I wanted to quit some things because I'm also scared that we'll only end up feeling that, and not SL anymore. I know we're stronger than that and that we've already faced some tasks, but I wouldn't put ourselves at risk with something so nowadays "probable". Maybe is because I care about you too much, and I want to be better, for God and my family, for me, but also for you.
I'm high, like James Blunt says, I'm sky high happy with you. Sometimes I don't say it, other times I may not even show it. BUT I DO. And I'm sorry I don't work well at all times, aparently you joints may be as damaged as my brain.
My heart's a stereo that only beats for you. Oh that's true. I wonder how we'll grow together, how we'll hold hands not only as boyfriend and girlfriend but maybe as something bigger than that, greater, better.
Right now I'm feeling fuzzy about all this, about me and about you. I know you don't think like me, I know you have certain needs I can't give you, or don't want to, but I also know that without our wrong, there would be no right in what we have.
So, I just felt like writing a bit. I hope someday I find myself enabled to write for hours and do it right, well, nicely. In the meanwhile, I'll just write what I couldn't tell you in person because I didn't know how to. I hope you understand. And I also hope you don't forget this.
Stay close to me, I keep you in my heart.
