Wonderland

I feel like there’s something missing. Maybe it’s just the hunger of every average teenager, young adult, however you want to call it. Here I am, sitting on the chair by my desk, looking at my agenda and knowing that I’m about to get the worst grades of my live just because right now, reading and watching romantic films seems more inviting than reading about corpses and veins and how stupid it is to have 20 muscles just to move your hand! Insane. But that’s how we work, complicating everything, because if it was easy it wouldn’t mean nothing (no) –yeah, that was a part of “Wonderful World” by James Morrison; I can’t stop my brain from pumping out songs with every word I think of-. I had forgotten about “The Host”, from Stephenie Meyer. I remember I read it with my heart on my sleeve –just like I did with “Twilight”- and realized that those stories were the best. Now, I’m eager to open my file that says “Twilight Saga” and read that chapter of book one that talks about how Edward takes Bella to eat dinner at Port Angels, because he’d just saved her from the horrible and nasty thoughts (and probable do’s) of those men. It’s tricky though, I know I need to study because I want to become a doctor, but I feel like my alive time’s slipping through God’s fingers  (yepp, Slipping through my fingers-ABBA, though I rather chose Meryl Streep cover) and I haven’t even finished thinking about what I want to do with my life. I wonder why we can’t be adults at 21, I still want to be a kid and have time to read, to spend with my family, to kiss my boyfriend. But I can’t, because I’m an adult now and I look like an adult and act like an adult and breathe and think like one. I know that if I told my dad today that I wanna quit med school he would be alright with the decision, but that he’d ask me to make up my mind and DO something else. I actually don’t want to quit, that’s insane. But I do wish I would be strong and brave enough to spend next summer preparing for being part of a musical, that’s what I’ve always wanted to do. And baby, if you said yes to be there with me, up in the stage, I would just loooooove to do it with you (I know you can). There’s been some time in which I haven’t posted anything, but I felt like doing it, writing, for a change. I’m not a big one, nor a good one I think but it’s nice to think that you’re not the only one who feels the way you do, or thinks like you, because when we talk about human beings in this world, anything can happen. What I feel right now it’s something indescribable by words, even by the right thoughts. It’s a warm, soft, moist, dreamy, sweet, balanced, full of joy, make-you-want-to-sing feeling. Trust me, that ain’t easy either. I try not to think as if our life clock is ticking backwards, but I believe that waiting 6 more years to give myself the time to do what I really want to do (which, by the way, I don’t understand) it’s just bullshit. How on earth am I going to learn how to stand in front of a crowd and sing and act and dance (!!!) when I’m –counting with the fingers- 23 years old? Maybe it’s just an irrational feeling, but trust me, if I’m willing to keep studying is because of the pressure of wanting to be the best. Because if you’re not the best of you haven’t even tried, then it’s not worth it. It’s good to throw to something every now and then your own catharsis, but I have to get better. Probably I’ll get cozy reading Twilight again (that part and a bit more) until I get bored, or until half an hour, because I have to get my homework done. I miss you, too. And yesterday while I was watching Pretty Little Liars (the spring finale), I could only think of you, in the scene in which Spencer falls apart because Toby was alive, and because he hasn’t done anything else but kept loving her and when kiss, everything felt alright. It’s not silly! It’s cute, it’s how I feel about you, that I could throw myself of a cliff if I need to do it for you. And that’s what I call love, because even when we can’t talk because of college, even when we can’t see each other for a whole month, even when I have to use my imagination to put you by my side and see how, at particular times, you would be laughing at me or doing something to make me laugh, even at the hardest point, I think of you as one of the best human beings that God could choose for my life. And I love you so much –that I ended up writing about you, as always- that everything feels right when you are around. 

I have to follow my day, and I feel much better now.