I feel like
there’s something missing. Maybe it’s just the hunger of every average
teenager, young adult, however you want to call it. Here I am, sitting on the
chair by my desk, looking at my agenda and knowing that I’m about to get the
worst grades of my live just because right now, reading and watching romantic
films seems more inviting than reading about corpses and veins and how stupid
it is to have 20 muscles just to move your hand! Insane. But that’s how we
work, complicating everything, because if it was easy it wouldn’t mean nothing
(no) –yeah, that was a part of “Wonderful World” by James Morrison; I can’t
stop my brain from pumping out songs with every word I think of-. I had
forgotten about “The Host”, from Stephenie Meyer. I remember I read it with my
heart on my sleeve –just like I did with “Twilight”- and realized that those
stories were the best. Now, I’m eager to open my file that says “Twilight Saga”
and read that chapter of book one that talks about how Edward takes Bella to
eat dinner at Port Angels, because he’d just saved her from the horrible and
nasty thoughts (and probable do’s) of those men. It’s tricky though, I know I
need to study because I want to become a doctor, but I feel like my alive time’s
slipping through God’s fingers (yepp,
Slipping through my fingers-ABBA, though I rather chose Meryl Streep cover) and
I haven’t even finished thinking about what I want to do with my life. I wonder
why we can’t be adults at 21, I still want to be a kid and have time to read,
to spend with my family, to kiss my boyfriend. But I can’t, because I’m an
adult now and I look like an adult and act like an adult and breathe and think
like one. I know that if I told my dad today that I wanna quit med school he
would be alright with the decision, but that he’d ask me to make up my mind and
DO something else. I actually don’t want to quit, that’s insane. But I do wish
I would be strong and brave enough to spend next summer preparing for being
part of a musical, that’s what I’ve always wanted to do. And baby, if you said
yes to be there with me, up in the stage, I would just loooooove to do it with
you (I know you can). There’s been some time in which I haven’t posted
anything, but I felt like doing it, writing, for a change. I’m not a big one,
nor a good one I think but it’s nice to think that you’re not the only one who
feels the way you do, or thinks like you, because when we talk about human
beings in this world, anything can happen. What I feel right now it’s something
indescribable by words, even by the right thoughts. It’s a warm, soft, moist,
dreamy, sweet, balanced, full of joy, make-you-want-to-sing feeling. Trust me,
that ain’t easy either. I try not to think as if our life clock is ticking
backwards, but I believe that waiting 6 more years to give myself the time to
do what I really want to do (which, by the way, I don’t understand) it’s just
bullshit. How on earth am I going to learn how to stand in front of a crowd and
sing and act and dance (!!!) when I’m –counting with the fingers- 23 years old?
Maybe it’s just an irrational feeling, but trust me, if I’m willing to keep
studying is because of the pressure of wanting to be the best. Because if you’re
not the best of you haven’t even tried, then it’s not worth it. It’s good to
throw to something every now and then your own catharsis, but I have to get
better. Probably I’ll get cozy reading Twilight again (that part and a bit
more) until I get bored, or until half an hour, because I have to get my
homework done. I miss you, too. And yesterday while I was watching Pretty
Little Liars (the spring finale), I could only think of you, in the scene in
which Spencer falls apart because Toby was alive, and because he hasn’t done
anything else but kept loving her and when kiss, everything felt alright. It’s
not silly! It’s cute, it’s how I feel about you, that I could throw myself of a
cliff if I need to do it for you. And that’s what I call love, because even
when we can’t talk because of college, even when we can’t see each other for a
whole month, even when I have to use my imagination to put you by my side and
see how, at particular times, you would be laughing at me or doing something to
make me laugh, even at the hardest point, I think of you as one of the best
human beings that God could choose for my life. And I love you so much –that I
ended up writing about you, as always- that everything feels right when you are
around.
I have to
follow my day, and I feel much better now.
