I bet you didn't see this post coming.

More than a year now, I published the last one, because I felt more than I could handle inside my head. Today is one of the many days before I've spend trying to not feel lost about what will happen after. After what? After school ends, of course. I feel like 16 again, with out a clue about what carreer to choose, scared of choosing the wrong thing (to do for the rest of my life), not sure if my choice was taken by me or by someone else (unconciously), or if I needed more time to understand what was happening.

I've already gone through 5 1/2 years of med school and currently am on the last track. Next year I will have to prove to myself and the physicians who will work with me that I have learned, understood, and used the information received at school wisely enough to manage patients. Scared-to-death.

"Don't forget to add, hun, you don't even know where you are standing right now."

True, kind of. Is it really so hard for someone to make up their minds? Why can't I just feel a fire in my heart when I think of an specialty for residency? Why can I only like but not love any of the specialties I've met in these years? Is something wrong with me? Did I mess everything up? The clock is ticking and I feel my throat tighter and tighter every minute that passes.

Oh, right. I'm not alone. My decision has to satisfy my needs for personal achievement, but also try to be something that won't take my right of motherhood away. There are many things people won't tell you before getting to med school.

Writing has worked before to let thoughts flow more easily inside my mind, as if I decluttered it everytime I pressed the keyboard. And when I sometimes re read my posts, I can see mistakes, flaws, I hadn't noticed before. I trust that this time it will work just as before. So, for myself reading this in God knows how many months later:

Open your eyes, hun, it's time to stop whining and start living. People will come and people will go. I know you feel like shit today, because you think you don't know, you think you are dumb, you think you can't do it, you think you where blindfolded through your childhood when people made you think you where the best you could be, and you could've done so much more, you think you are not good enough, that your happiness is attached to an anchor to heavy to lift, that your eyes weight like rocks in the mornings, that they wet like seas every other day trying to find your way into the wild; I know that you know that the only thing stopping you is yourself. There's no one to blame now, nothing preventing you to be the star of your life, nothing but your own fear. Maybe fear wasn't there when you were born, and maybe it wasn't your fault that you grew with it, but fear is everywhere. Fear goes away the minute you make up your mind and start living the way you want to. What if you guys don't last? Is happiness only that? Happiness is your own job.

Take a cold shower, sweetheart, and open your eyes. You know you have goals, even if they seem like nonsense to you. Those goals will remain on the paper you wrote them unless you work towards them.  Don't wait for a miracle to happen. Look for it. Don't die trying to find it, but at least try. And the world will cooperate, and God will too, and he will too, as he has been doing. So what if he is abroad? Your heart breaks? Pl-e-a-se.

Get this thing done and go back to work. Or that paper of yours will never get published.

And remember, it's your life, and no one else's. People and things can make it better, but they won't do it all the time. You can share your heart with your s.o. but don't let your mind wonder about things that aren't there. Trust has been proved. Let it be.

Until next time.

Sincerely yours,

L. 

PS.: Singing does help. Always remember. Thanks S.

Let it all go / Shot at the night

Hey Birdy, has anyone said to you before you have the most accurate words for life's situations?
-Of course, duh, as if I was new in the business.

Well, the thing is I'm actually new with your music, so I chose to use one of your song's lyrics to tell they world I'm BACK, not for good but for today. Because someone needs me and I can't be physically with him and long (please...) distance is not treating us kindly.

I do understand that love shouldn't break you in any moment, but it does, because love isn't only the good but also the difficult and the human and the stupid a girl / guy can be. Like I read in one of my favourite YA novels, the thing with life is that it has "the good and the bad" and either way it will always mean a challenge. A kind of challenge that may make us tremble and even fall on our face to make us realize what on EARTH we are doing! Has it ever occur to you that we might as well shut ourselves down and let the human world manage us like it's doing now? I don't wanna let go of who I am, but SOMETIMES I'm not sure of who I am.

I told a couple of friends how intensely lost I felt, that I thought I needed a profesional to talk to. Maybe I have more breakdowns than regular people, maybe I just don't go out enough to see that EVERYONE has their own breakdowns and I should learn how they cope with them -uhm, sorry, not cope, but RESOLVE those breakdowns. I want to talk to a profesional though, because I'm surrounded by people who have done it and I think they feel relieved. RELIEVED, that's how I want to feel.

But I also feel that I'm loosing you. At first I new you held me when every Saturday I sat down and cried for my insanely way to lose time and not getting things done for college or even LIFE. And you listened, you even raised your voice a little to tell me I HAVE TO CHANGE FOR MYSELF because there's nothing I can do if I don't believe in it or that I can do it. One thing I don't like at all right now, is that when I was younger, like in high-school or before, I knew I could do many things, there were some I didn't like but I KNEW I COULD. Though I've been raised by overprotective parents and especially an scared-of-everything-that-could-hurt-me-or-him-dad (i love u :) ) I never thought I COULDN'T do something. But here I am, some weeks before, I argued with you hun because I didn't think I was smart enough to pass those hideous med exams in order to start a life with the northern light. I may not be ABSOLUTELY sure I now what it takes to be there, but I know I HAVE what it takes to get off the floor and start remembering all the things I know are in my head but don't remember. The thing is that I've come to realize - yeah, just now...- that If I don't read things frequently, my brain will remove it too quickly and send it somewhere difficult to retrieve. And that might be happening to us.

I know you hate when I don't call, when I "forget about you", when I do things my own way without asking your opinion. And you think that's me forgetting about you or worse, getting bored of you. It has come to my mind a few times, don't get me wrong, if we're falling into a loop of repetitive motion and don't care about getting out of it. I've also thought, when we are pissed of for some stupid argument, if THIS is what I want for life, if this nonstop come-and-go of silly words that come out of our mouths is what I want to be married to, to have a family with. And GUESS WHAT: when we're smart enough to see for ourselves that communication is not at its best, you look at me and I look at you and we make amends -without even speaking-. Because that's not enough, your embrace and a few "I'm sorry, I know it's my fault and I spoke because I wanted to hurt you even though I know it's wrong. I'm trying to grow with you not tear us apart". That ends with the promise of really thinking before talking and talking without hurting and with the truth only. Sometimes it doesn't and you go out and let the wind and the walk home calm you down before we can speak, and I stay - tears running down my face - asking why do I have to be so wrong and mean with you every time.

But you love me so much - at least, I think so - that you let me in again. And I ask God to show me the right way, and that I want it to a way that includes you, because I don't believe you're just my high-school sweetheart. I don't know how it works, but if we met and connect, it has to mean something.

I also know that I'm not the only one who can feel down, you're human too. You are a boy, teenager, adult who needs me as your friend, best friend, lover, maybe wife-to-be to listen and make you feel better. But yesterday it finally came to me. We are there for each other, but we MUST BE THERE FOR OURSELVES most importantly, always !!! I can't rely on you to be my only motivation to finish what I started, and you can't rely on me to kick your ass every time you need me to - we both know they're many many times -. But we can use our love and senses to help us both, to keep knitting that long thread that goes around us and ties us closer and closer, that's elastic as you can't imagine because we made it almost impossible to break, and that's so strong only God should be the one in power to break it - and I seriously hope he doesn't -. Even after death, that bond is meant to exist, in the way it has to, I don't know much about life-after-death but I DO KNOW I LOVE YOU and YOU LOVE ME and that there are two letters that display seven, and they are a seal powerful enough to stand anything.

Trust in me again, we don't have to let it -all- go, I need you to trust me when I say the bad will go away, sooner than you think. And I won't leave your side, not even when it does.

The complete quote from the YA novel is this: "The good and the bad, the sugar and the salt, the kicks and the kisses, what's come before and what will come after, you and me-".

I want us to give a shot at the NIGHT and feel as ALIVE as The Killers make me feel with that song and music video. I want to grow with you, as I'm doing every day now. I want to learn, to have experiences, to fall and get on my feet, to change, to melt, to scream, to cry of happiness, to have many more between us, and to LIVE, with everything life means, with YOU.

Please trust me, I do.

Two weeks/1 month awaiting

Living in a world with no air
Well, not exactly that tragic but I think I make my point. Feeling strange after so many days kind of sticked together like superglue or smth can really weight a lot. I'm writing now because I know you won't remember to check this webpage, and that's because I haven't written in a long long time. Call it studies, lazyness, lack of inspiration, whatever, but I think that when I have a longing feeling like this one right now, writing is one thing I can return to do right. You've told me several times, that if what I needed was inspiration, why wouldn't I use our own lives to feel that thing inside that made me write. It's not that you don't wake emotions in me. Trust me in this: if I didn't smile with every smile of yours, if I didn't have to catch my breath everytime you make me laugh, if my spine didn't shiver when you sometimes kiss me in a wild but lovely way, well then I'd tell you we're just corpses.

But we're not, hun, and altough I miss you, I trust that these two weeks will go slowly for me (because fast would mean holidays are ending) but fast for us, and you'll be right here beside me in no time now. Besides, a time apart can really help you grow your roots, which in our case would mean locking us more than before in our voluntary vow of love.

I don't remember how many times you've asked me "the question", but I do know that I've always said yes. Sometimes, don't get me wrong, I think about it, if it would be the right decision, and I linger for you. Because inside me, I know it's us, It's always been and always will be us. Against the world, against evil, against people If we need to. The thing is to keep loving each other even though we feel like killing, because as you brightly said many times, sometimes is better to discuss or give an answer when you're not confused by the anger or annoyance. So, in that way, you can be sure and probably won't do more harms than necessary.

---

Hey, hey now. It's been a bit more than a month since I wrote that first part. Of couse, you returned safely (thank God) from your trip, and you brought some weight with you, in you body and in my presents! I loved them, everyone, although the chocolate flies weren't my favourites, I love them because they remind me of you. And they remind me of how joyful I'm with you.

I know you just went home, from here, and that I wasn't at my best. Neither physically nor emotionally. I have to tell, you, sometimes I'm scared that those "i don't know what's happening to me" mean more than I think. I wanted to quit some things because I'm also scared that we'll only end up feeling that, and not SL anymore. I know we're stronger than that and that we've already faced some tasks, but I wouldn't put ourselves at risk with something so nowadays "probable". Maybe is because I care about you too much, and I want to be better, for God and my family, for me, but also for you.

I'm high, like James Blunt says, I'm sky high happy with you. Sometimes I don't say it, other times I may not even show it. BUT I DO. And I'm sorry I don't work well at all times, aparently you joints may be as damaged as my brain.

My heart's a stereo that only beats for you. Oh that's true. I wonder how we'll grow together, how we'll hold hands not only as boyfriend and girlfriend but maybe as something bigger than that, greater, better.

Right now I'm feeling fuzzy about all this, about me and about you. I know you don't think like me, I know you have certain needs I can't give you, or don't want to, but I also know that without our wrong, there would be no right in what we have.

So, I just felt like writing a bit. I hope someday I find myself enabled to write for hours and do it right, well, nicely. In the meanwhile, I'll just write what I couldn't tell you in person because I didn't know how to. I hope you understand. And I also hope you don't forget this.


Stay close to me, I keep you in my heart.

No, I don't. It's true.

Esta es para ti:

~·~

Quiero, cuando estemos libres de las notas, al menos por un tiempo, hacer algo nuevo.

Quiero pedirte que juntes tus párpados, tomar tu mano y llevarte a nuestra historia, el gran viaje. 

Que lleves puesto un pantalón azul marino, que vayas descalzo, una camisa semiabierta y yo a tu costado, lleve el vestido azul caribe que algún día encontraré, y el cabello muy suelto. Y no olvides llevar tu sonrisa.

Abre los ojos.

Quiero ver la película de nuestra vida, de cómo dos niños se convirtieron en jóvenes, ponerle “pausa” a la pantalla y rodear tu cuerpo con mis brazos mientras vemos esas partes más bonitas de lo que tú y yo construimos, sin saberlo. Pasar mis dedos por tu cabello y… quedarme callada, porque aún no es momento de hablar. 

Ahora que estamos sólo los dos, te podría decir que este es un viaje infinito. Que, cuando levanté la mirada a mis 13 y me encontré contigo, no esperaba algo. Cuando te volví a mirar, lo seguí haciendo cada vez que pude, que cuando tú lo notaste y no bajaste la mirada, que cuando lo entendimos, las canciones más lindas comenzaron a sonar.

Entonces, podría tomar tu rostro entre mis manos, detenerme a sentir tu linda y suave piel con las yemas de mis dedos, ver que se ha vuelto de noche y que podemos ver todas las constelaciones, que la luna nos acompaña e ilumina, que tu piel brilla como diamantes y es cálida, como cuando la toqué por primera vez.

Y cuando mis manos lleguen a tus labios, que se frunzan besándolos, y luego me sonrías como solo tú sabes hacerlo.

No, aún no quiero que me beses. 

Por ahora quiero que sigamos viajando. Pero que sea como cerrar los ojos, suspirar y mover los pies, llegar bailando a ese lugar donde podemos echarnos al pasto, escuchar el río cantar, ver la noche, el amanecer, el atardecer, cuando queramos. No tiene por qué terminar. 

Es verdad que pasa en nuestras mentes, pero eso no significa que no sea real. (citando a HP).

Quiero, en una de esas noches, tomar tus manos y poner una sobre mi corazón y la otra en mi frente. Así diría yo que puedes saber lo que pienso, cómo siento lo que vivo, cómo te veo, mi amor. 

Te pondría de pie y le daría “play” al equipo de música que aparece a nuestro costado, y sonaría una canción que aún no existe, que ni tú ni yo conocemos, pero que es perfecta para el momento, para el viaje.

Dame la mano.

Puedes guiarme, es mejor así al bailar, y no olvides que me gustan las vueltas.

Y cuando llegara el momento de abrir los ojos, tomaría tu mano, la cerraría fuerte y te diría: esto es lo que me haces sentir.

No siempre, porque varias veces es todo lo contrario.

Pero, hay algunos días en los que olvido todo lo malo que vimos, lo que aprendimos, lo que prometemos y rompemos, que al momento tienen sentido y a veces luego no, aquello que nunca será más que nosotros.

Y escucho a Dios diciendo “confía en él”, siento que pone su mano sobre las nuestras, y le pido siempre que seas tú y solamente tú.

Esos momentos, etéreos, mágicos, tan fríos y cálidos, tan brillantes, tan estelares, maravillosos, míticos, nuestros, esos momentos son los mejores. 

Confiar en ti, y que tú confíes en mi. Poder jugar a ser Atlas, y afirmarte que no dejaré que caigas.

Al despertar, juntos ahora pero separados por las calles y personas en nuestros días más ocupados, sabremos que siempre, siempre podemos descansar juntos al viajar, mientras los sueños se almacenen en las almohadas, y cada vez que peguemos la cabeza en ellas, el hilo rojo que nos une nos hará despertar en el viaje, ese que nos hace vivir más que en el día y que nos hace descansar más que en la noche.

¿Será todo eso, amor, mi amor?

longing

I am longing for your

It seems like this 48 hours it took me to read "Beautiful Disaster" you turned one-eighty. I hate this, I feel like there's something you're not telling me. I'm upset enough to write again in here.

Him

Wonderland

I feel like there’s something missing. Maybe it’s just the hunger of every average teenager, young adult, however you want to call it. Here I am, sitting on the chair by my desk, looking at my agenda and knowing that I’m about to get the worst grades of my live just because right now, reading and watching romantic films seems more inviting than reading about corpses and veins and how stupid it is to have 20 muscles just to move your hand! Insane. But that’s how we work, complicating everything, because if it was easy it wouldn’t mean nothing (no) –yeah, that was a part of “Wonderful World” by James Morrison; I can’t stop my brain from pumping out songs with every word I think of-. I had forgotten about “The Host”, from Stephenie Meyer. I remember I read it with my heart on my sleeve –just like I did with “Twilight”- and realized that those stories were the best. Now, I’m eager to open my file that says “Twilight Saga” and read that chapter of book one that talks about how Edward takes Bella to eat dinner at Port Angels, because he’d just saved her from the horrible and nasty thoughts (and probable do’s) of those men. It’s tricky though, I know I need to study because I want to become a doctor, but I feel like my alive time’s slipping through God’s fingers  (yepp, Slipping through my fingers-ABBA, though I rather chose Meryl Streep cover) and I haven’t even finished thinking about what I want to do with my life. I wonder why we can’t be adults at 21, I still want to be a kid and have time to read, to spend with my family, to kiss my boyfriend. But I can’t, because I’m an adult now and I look like an adult and act like an adult and breathe and think like one. I know that if I told my dad today that I wanna quit med school he would be alright with the decision, but that he’d ask me to make up my mind and DO something else. I actually don’t want to quit, that’s insane. But I do wish I would be strong and brave enough to spend next summer preparing for being part of a musical, that’s what I’ve always wanted to do. And baby, if you said yes to be there with me, up in the stage, I would just loooooove to do it with you (I know you can). There’s been some time in which I haven’t posted anything, but I felt like doing it, writing, for a change. I’m not a big one, nor a good one I think but it’s nice to think that you’re not the only one who feels the way you do, or thinks like you, because when we talk about human beings in this world, anything can happen. What I feel right now it’s something indescribable by words, even by the right thoughts. It’s a warm, soft, moist, dreamy, sweet, balanced, full of joy, make-you-want-to-sing feeling. Trust me, that ain’t easy either. I try not to think as if our life clock is ticking backwards, but I believe that waiting 6 more years to give myself the time to do what I really want to do (which, by the way, I don’t understand) it’s just bullshit. How on earth am I going to learn how to stand in front of a crowd and sing and act and dance (!!!) when I’m –counting with the fingers- 23 years old? Maybe it’s just an irrational feeling, but trust me, if I’m willing to keep studying is because of the pressure of wanting to be the best. Because if you’re not the best of you haven’t even tried, then it’s not worth it. It’s good to throw to something every now and then your own catharsis, but I have to get better. Probably I’ll get cozy reading Twilight again (that part and a bit more) until I get bored, or until half an hour, because I have to get my homework done. I miss you, too. And yesterday while I was watching Pretty Little Liars (the spring finale), I could only think of you, in the scene in which Spencer falls apart because Toby was alive, and because he hasn’t done anything else but kept loving her and when kiss, everything felt alright. It’s not silly! It’s cute, it’s how I feel about you, that I could throw myself of a cliff if I need to do it for you. And that’s what I call love, because even when we can’t talk because of college, even when we can’t see each other for a whole month, even when I have to use my imagination to put you by my side and see how, at particular times, you would be laughing at me or doing something to make me laugh, even at the hardest point, I think of you as one of the best human beings that God could choose for my life. And I love you so much –that I ended up writing about you, as always- that everything feels right when you are around. 

I have to follow my day, and I feel much better now.